7th April, 2016.
“Bullshit”. Yes, that’s the word for the day. Why? Because EVERYTHING is bullshit. Life? Bullshit. Studies? Bullshit. Relationships? Emotions? Passions? Bullshit, bullshit and even more bullshit. I’m in 10th standard now and my life’s in a turmoil. I’m mentally, physically, emotionally, fucked. I don’t have my priorities sorted out.
I don’t have a plan, but that’s not what matters (because I never had one, anyway) what matters is that I’ve never been this clueless in my whole life.
With social obligations, studies, coachings, friendships, failed relationships and a whole lot of other “important stuff” (read: bullshit) it’s all I can manage while remaining sane.
At this point I just want to… stop.
I need and escape.
The problem? I’m always on an escape. I’m in a mode of constant denial. I think that ignoring all of it will just make it go away, and even as I write this, I realise that at the end of the day it’s all going to pile up like a mountain and crush me.
You know why I’m here? I didn’t. But I guess I do now. I’m here to admit it. I’m here to admit it’s all not okay. I’m here to admit that yes, it hurts. It hurts each and every single day. Not 24/7. Not for the major part of the day, I’m far too busy to have wandering thoughts; but yes, it does. And when it hits me, I’m blown away into the abyss by the sheer force of it. I guess I never entertained the thought that it might end someday, after all we promised “forever”, didn’t we? Didn’t we?
Ah, we materialistic biological embodiments of flesh often fail to realise how fragile these bonds actually are, and how a someone who meant the world to us can break away so easily. How our whole existence and life, as we know it, can be shattered in a few seconds.The worst part? You won’t even get to say goodbye. Oh wait, isn’t that the best part?
The past is dark, the present is truly fucked and the future is horrifying.
Yet, I stand. I stand alone, as I’ve always done. As a single kid, I guess that comes naturally. You learn to support yourself even in the worst of times. After all these flowing thoughts, I’ll go back to my ‘normal’ life. Laughing and joking with a plastic smile, pretending it doesn’t matter, pretending it’s alright and I’m fine.
Concluding this… What do I call it? An outburst? A chain of thoughts? I don’t know. I don’t care. All of this will just get stored in a black file and be put down in that dark corner of my heart, that occasionally comes up just to remind me that
It’s. All. Not. Okay.
~Jack
Musings of the Brown Eyed Brothers 